This made me smile and made me sad at the same time today. I miss these days. Everything was so much easier.
was amazing. I know I was really concerned that my body couldn’t handle it…and it kind of can’t. I had to walk the whole second half of the laps but, everyone was super supportive about it and no one seemed upset about waiting around for me which was great. My body feels fantastic. So tired but fantastic. EVERYONE should do yoga…to Jack Johnson…only to Jack Johnson. :)
That I’ll forget where I come from. Sometimes, I find myself forgetting the smallest things that make my home what it is or was. Like today, I completely forgot about the song VooDoo by Cinna The Poet and it used to be one of my favorites. I’m really scared that if I stay here too long, I’ll wake up one day and be a South Texas city girl, instead of a Midwest country girl. I hope that never happens.
I got woke up by my sister so that I can take her to Aquatica today. It should be fun but I’m tired and I don’t know why. Tonight, when I get back home, I’ll have my laptop back in front of me so that will be really super great but, at the same time, I feel like I don’t deserve to have it back because I still haven’t found a job. It’s not like there’s anything that I can do about it, though. I feel like there’s not anything I can do about a lot of things at the moment. But I’m told that everything will just get better eventually and I’m hoping that’s true. But I’m not sure that it is. I guess I’m just concerned that my cluster fucked life is too much for the universe to take on right now. It seems as though I’m in the middle of doing everything instead of actually doing anything. Nothing has been accomplished yet, everything is still almost happening. Fuck.
hate people. Most of them are complete idiots. And the ones that aren’t are just lying assholes. And no, I’m not in a bad mood. It’s just the truth. Fuck em. Fuck all of them. This is why I need everything to go smoothly for me here. Not just for myself but also because whenever I have everything I need in life, and they want it…I’m not going to give it to them. Because they’re all assholes.
I wish I was able to spend more time doing the first one and less time doing the second. I’m tired of drinking alone.
to at the very least, get a half sleeve. This is something I’ve been talking about for years. I’ve always wanted to at least get a half sleeve, if not a full sleeve. I struggled with it because of my life decision to become a speech and debate teacher. I will always have to cover it up. I will have to wear long sleeves every single day to work, especially in Texas weather. It would be awful. But, at the end of the day, I can’t stop being who I am just because it’s unacceptable to the rest of society. It sucks that people in the workplace look down on it and it sucks even more that my dad looks at me like I’m stupid because of it but, it’s my life and my body and it’s what I love. Tattoos make me happy, they’re the purest and most permanent form of expression. And when used correctly, they provide the most outward look into someone’s soul and that makes me really happy. So, why should my happiness stop where someone else’s judgement begins? I don’t think that life should work that way. Tomorrow, I’m going to go find a job and then start reading ahead on my classes. That is going to make me feel so much better at the end of the night; that I got something accomplished. There are so many things that I want to do this summer and that makes everything really nerve wracking right now. If I can’t get a job and if I can’t get out of the hole I’m in and into a better position, none of the things I want might happen and that would suck so bad. My goal is to be at least halfway through my list of shit to do by the end of the summer, I only have one year to make a lot of this shit happen before I move to San Marcos and go to Texas State and I need it to happen so that when I do move, I can move onto the goals that are specifically for after I transfer to a university. Before that, I’d like to do a lot of things while I’m still in San Antonio. I’m probably not going to sleep tonight. As much as I would like to, I can’t seem to rest because I have way too much on my mind. Plus, I have to give this laptop back tomorrow for two weeks and I’m probably not going to get on tumblr very much once that happens so, I’d like to do some last minute things with this laptop like sync my itunes, which takes forever, like ten hours. So, yeah. It’s going to be a long night. I’m thinking about calling someone right now but I know it’s probably not a good idea. I really wish I could just have the motivation to do what I need to do and not do what I shouldn’t do. But, it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen. Haha.
based upon your three favorite time periods that we discussed in US history class. FUCK. THIS. PROJECT. Not because I can’t do it, just because I really don’t feel like doing it. I know this project is going to be easy as hell and not a big deal at all to get done but, it’s still annoying to even have to do it. I’m done with this semester. Done, done, done. I’m tired, I’m burnt out, I’m worn out, I’m over it. I’m ready to start new classes with new teachers that I don’t actually have to see every day. That’s going to be the best part about taking online classes; never having to see the teachers, the kids, or deal with group work ever again. It’s raining all hella crazy here and it makes me want to be lazy today. Haha. Rain is not something that I associate with doing anything productive; rain is to be played in or to be cuddled up and read in. Haha. But here it’s not like that. Where we had tornados back home, these people have hurricanes. And hurricanes totally suck. There’s way too much wind and rain, the roads and highways get flooded and people are blocked from going anywhere because they’re blocked from getting on the access roads. Ugh. Just one more thing that I hate about this place. But on the real, it’s not such a bad place. I’m starting to meet nice people that remind me of my friends back home, there’s opportunity to do really badass things like take up a music journalism hobby whereas I couldn’t do anything like that back home, there’s lots of college opportunities, lots of places to go and things to do and see here, it’s almost always good weather which means you can almost always do whatever the hell you want without having to worry about what kind of weather will happen when you go out, and it’s just totally different from home which honestly, I find to be kind of a good thing. Yeah, San Antonio isn’t really my style. But San Marcos is and that’s not too far away from here, plus the college I want to go to is there. And I will be there someday; in San Marcos going to Texas State and living it up. I guess everyone has a dream and this one is mine. But, in order to make any of my other dreams happen, I need to make sure that I don’t flunk out of college. Fuck. Here we go…fucking homework finals papers.
pictures of myself from like the fourth grade up until now.
Reminders to self:
NEVER dye hair burgandy ever again, it’s horrible looking.
Lighter colors are better.
Stop being a fatass, your body isn’t build to be so bottom heavy. :/
Purchase another vans hat, I miss it.
Headbands are a good thing.
Don’t cut your hair short anymore; it was cute when you were sixteen and didn’t have your face pierced with a bunch of tattoos…now you just look like a dumbass.
Buy more makeup with glitter in it.
Buy more ripped jeans.
Don’t ever wear pull over hoodies again; hideous.
Use the self timer on your camera more often.
Don’t go another day without straightening your hair; it never looks good otherwise.
That is all.
I can’t go back. I love my home, I love the people there but my family is here now and I can’t go backwards, I can only go forward. I’m going to stay here and do my own thing until I find another place that I want to be better, somewhere that I’ve never been. During the Fall semester, I’m going to go ahead and study abroad for the semester and I’m going to start my music website and get myself a camera and just start living the life I wanted. I have every opportunity to do it and there’s no way that I can back out just because I’m too scared to make something out of it. Who gives a shit if I have no friends here? Friends will come later when I stop fucking looking for them. Life starts now and it doesn’t start in Joplin or Kansas. Besides, I’m always going to love my home no matter where I am.
In the words of Cinna,
“And it doesn’t how much pot or rum, I won’t forget where I come from.”